After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
