Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Randomize
