there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
