how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Couch. On fire.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
