Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
