atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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