i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
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