The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
