I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
