Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
