Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize