Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
