please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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