the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
