using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
