At least make sure they are 18
Why
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
