Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
