Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Edward fifth and chaser hands
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
