I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
