I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
