You made me cry and you don't even care
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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