You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
This toilet bowl is my home.
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