Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
