I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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