Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
