you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
