Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
you will always have a special place in my vag
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
