my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Randomize
