How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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