Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
