the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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