69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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