i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
