My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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