last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Randomize
