I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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