oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
