My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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