mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
