Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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