sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
