I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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