I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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