May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
