my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
and she was petting her beer can
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
