So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
