the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
