that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize