birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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