if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I think my moral compass just broke
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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