I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
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